Life Lost
by Objessions
Summary: Tag to S2:10. Missing scenes, extensions, and thoughts. As always, I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

Life Lost

Jack drove along, enjoying the gentle curves of the back road he was meandering down at a leisurely pace. He sang along with the radio, or hummed to himself. He'd drummed the rhythm a few times, but stopped himself when it made sore knuckles twinge.

When Mac was completely back to himself, meaning when he didn't start limping from the dumb-genius induced stab wound in his leg, Jack would have to suggest a drive out here. His partner would love to just randomly hike out into these thick woods, just to see what was there, he thought.

Speaking of Mac, he should probably check up on the kid after he attended to matters here. His partner had been awfully quiet. At first Jack thought it was because he still felt like hell from his exposure to the VX gas out in New York (not to mention his wounded leg), but the last couple of days Jack was getting the impression that there was more going on in the kid's head.

Jack thought these might be one of those times when leaving well enough alone wasn't going to work. He thought maybe Mac needed getting out of his own head, and if anyone was up for the task it was him. He'd done it plenty of times. If all else failed, he'd annoy Mac into talking about what was bothering him. That was usually the quickest route if Mac didn't just seek him out to unload.

He was cruising along, just enjoying his music and contemplating exactly what sort of conversation he could strike up with Mac that would irk him enough to decide that talking over something serious was a better alternative, when the banging started in the trunk.

He tried ignoring it for a minute or two. Then he tried turning up the radio. When that didn't work he hit his breaks hard enough to send his cargo skidding around his trunk. He figured that out to take some of the fight out of the situation.

Elwood surprised him by launching himself out of the trunk and into Jack. Jack found himself almost grinning mid-fight. Old Elwood must really be taking better care of himself, because he was actually giving Jack (who was operating in 'fight like a civilian' mode) a run for his money. He really didn't want to hurt the guy; in fact, just the opposite.

By the time it was all over, Jack thought maybe they could really reach an understanding. And maybe, just maybe, this dude could earn being worthy of getting called Dad by a kid as great as Riley.

As they drove back toward his place, Jack's text alert went off. That's was Mac's sound. He'd have to check out what was up as soon as he had a free minute. But in the meantime, he had to make Elwood realize that you don't get the Father of the Year award my going near your kid when a stone cold killer was dogging your steps.

0-0-0

Mac had agonized over going to Jack's to talk. In fact, he'd spent most of the last week pushing his friend away, while doing his best to hide that it was what he was doing. It wasn't that he didn't trust Jack, didn't want his opinion.

It was more that he knew Jack had known Matty for a very long time, and that at one time, not all that long ago if how they talked was any indication, they'd been at least friends, and sometimes Mac even speculated that they had been more.

Finally, he couldn't take the knowledge of what he'd seen on that film anymore. And, if he was honest, most of what had kept him from pursuing it was that he'd felt like hell for a couple of days, and was still a little rocky off and on.

If he walked to far or too fast, his leg cramped up or just started aching. At least the stitches had come out. Okay, he'd taken them out when he couldn't stand the itching anymore. But it wasn't all that early. Not really. And it felt a lot better without them.

Staying in his own house, in his own head felt like the world's biggest waste. He knew Matty had no intention of sending him into the field for a couple of weeks, barring a massive international crisis. But, in the last six months or so, any time he'd had off from work had been spent pursuing his missing father. It felt like that's what he should be doing now.

And now he knew that Matty was somehow involved with his past. He decided that if he was going to look into her involvement, he was going to have to involve Jack. Firstly, because if he didn't and then got into trouble, Jack would probably kill him, or, more likely, try to Lojack him. But the point was he'd followed doctor's orders to the extent of his tolerance and needed to be doing something.

So when he'd finally said enough was enough, and gotten off his ass to put on something other than sweats and a bathrobe, he texted Jack that he was coming over. It was clear from the reception he received that Jack hadn't gotten his text.

Jack immediately lowered his weapon, wearing an apology on his face. Sometimes Jack forgot just exactly how much Mac hated guns. Days like today reminded him. He'd clearly scared the kid, because when Jack had opened the door he'd had a flash on a tentative expression, and now Mac's voice was irritated, bordering on angry – his default setting when he was afraid. Jack smoothed things over by unintentionally piquing Mac's curiosity.

He was proud of the kid for greeting Elwood the way he did. He would have half expected, given the way Mac felt about Ri himself, that his own protective streak would rear its head (not to mention the streak that was colored in by the ten-year-old boy whose own father had abandoned him on his god damned birthday).

That's why Jack hadn't texted him back. Those were fresh bruises and scrapes. These guys had been fighting. And now Elwood was in Jack's apartment. The mental math didn't take much effort to add up. He swallowed his urge to tell Jack that he needed to speak with him … and that it was kind of urgent, but Jack gave him 'the look'.

Jack could tell that this wasn't a casual, 'I'm done being on the DL, let's go do something stupid so Matty'll know I'm ready to be back at work and I'm bored enough that she should want me there' visit. Mac figured Elwood must be in some kind of trouble if instead of sending the guy away, he asked Mac to step outside with him.

Mac was glad it hadn't taken longer to get his friend alone. He felt like his head might explode if he didn't tell someone what was going on. And by someone he meant Jack. Almost always.

But when Mac opened his mouth and told his partner, Jack didn't look shocked, or upset, or any of the things that Mac was expecting … and honestly wanted … from his partner. Jack just made a face that Mac knew all too well. It was the look of skepticism he often gave Jack when Jack was being superstitious.

Just Jack's reaction made him start pacing again. Jack thought the kid seemed, for him, pretty agitated. Mac was normally very good at putting his feelings into a box, building a wall around that box, and then setting armed guards to defend it.

He knew it was bad when Mac leaned his elbows on the railing out on the patio and stood there hanging his head. Jack knew because Mac's eyes were open and he was staring down at the ground. Mac was pretty good at gutting out his fear of heights when the job called for it. He was even pretty good at ignoring it in casual situations. But one thing you almost never saw was him just taking in the scenery, if said scenery had any kind of drop.

If Matty was lying about something, they'd never find out about it unless she wanted them to. That was just how she was. He said so to Mac. His expression told Jack that his anger was too perfect to hear rational arguments right now. What Jack wanted to point out was that Mac was the rational one on their team. And he wasn't himself right now.

What Jack wanted to tell him was that he should go home and chill out and take at least a couple more days of the leave they were supposed to be getting, so that maybe just maybe he wasn't trying to run on an empty tank. What he did instead was try to listen.

Mac still sounded angry when he said, "If Matty has intel about my father and isn't telling me, then she …"

"Has her reasons," Jack said cutting him off. Jack proceeded to dismantle Mac's arguments, earning himself a more and more annoyed expression from his partner. Jack finally got him to crack a smile when he claimed to be a lone wolf and then howled like a kid doing the same thing.

Mac found himself smiling more than it warranted, as he reminded Jack about his big 'family unity and togetherness' idea.

Jack thought they were headed in the right direction when Mac got a text from Matty calling him in. Well, that was fine, Jack supposed. He'd just pop inside and give Elwood some instructions for while he was gone. But Mac stopped him, saying it was a message only for him, that Jack could stay with his new temporary roommate.

Jack looked a little horrified at the idea of Mac going into an assignment alone, but Matty had given him her solemn vow over some really good bourbon and a couple of the cigars he'd brought back from Cuba a few months ago, that she wouldn't send him into the field without back-up. And he could tell Mac needed some space. And a nice easy op doing consulting for the field teams was a pretty good way to reintegrate Mac into the pool of agents.

Mac couldn't keep the irritation that he felt at being ordered around like a pawn on a chessboard. And as he turned to head back down the back steps, he just had to say what had been on his mind from the time he heard Jack's very first analogy about the wolf pack. "That's one dysfunctional wolf pack."

He was still turning the scene from the film over in his mind when he got to Phoenix, and he was more than half tempted to confront Matty about the film when he got to the War Room.

Then Cage met him at the door and started briefing him on the situation.

Then his own problems just seemed to fall away.

Everything about him became focused on the thirty-two lives on that doomed research vessel.


	2. Chapter 2

When he'd walked into the War Room, he'd been expecting to be helping ship's crew do some problem solving. That still meant lives on the line, but he'd been expecting a seasoned professional or two who'd understand engineering lingo, maybe have been through something similar, or if not this sort of life or death dire, might at least have experience with high pressure situations and some physical danger.

What he found was a scientist who was young … maybe even younger than he was and he was still trying to prove himself enough to lose nicknames like Baby Einstein. Zoe Kimura didn't look like she'd spent a lot of time in the field yet, or at least if she had, her experiences had never included potential icy death in the dark, thousands of miles from anything that resembled home.

His first order of business was to get her thinking about surviving rather than the very high potential to not. After he got a look at the most pressing problem in front of the whole ship, he started her off with something that he both needed and knew would engage an orderly scientific mind. "Okay. Now, Zoe, what I need you to do is make me a list of everything on board."

He was hoping as he went through explaining what he needed that he would see some of the panic start to back out of her eyes, some of the tension to leave her shoulders, so he'd know she could focus and follow his instructions to get her and her students out of trouble.

But he didn't. It worried him. As the list started coming together, and his team started trying to duplicate it from things they had around the office, he turned over in his mind what she might need to get to that place between fear and thought, where she could just get into autopilot and work. That's where he spent a ridiculous amount of his time, so figuring it out shouldn't be so damned hard.

He'd have to just keep working the ship problem and hope a solution to the Zoe being too scared to operate as effectively as he needed her to problem would present itself as he got the fuel pump on the generator fixed. So that's what he started to do.

Cage stopped him before he even got the first step explained. When he turned to look at the screen, he felt so badly. Zoe looked lost. Not just lost but in the dark, too. Sometimes it was easy for him to forget just exactly how most people's brains worked. Hell, have the conflict in his life originated with that very tendency. "Zoe, I am so sorry," he began. "I'm goin' way too fast, aren't I?"

"No, no, no!" she hurried to assure him. They didn't exactly have time to spare, she thought. And she moved to try to do what he'd started to explain. She started talking faster and faster about how she knew they were running out of time. She kept throwing wide-eyed glances at him through the laptop. He finally realized what he needed to do.

"Guys," he glanced around the War Room. "Can I have a second?"

For a split second, Matty looked like she might refuse, but then everyone just filed out and she was the one to close the door firmly behind them. Mac's jaw clenched for just a second, and he swallowed hard, pushing down the feeling he knew had settled into Zoe's chest with the responsibility of those other lives set on her shoulders.

It was a feeling he'd gotten used to after all these years, but he couldn't say that the panicked nineteen-year-old he'd been the first time the rubber really met the road in Afghanistan didn't sometimes like to make a guest appearance in his thoughts. Or his dreams. Once he'd gotten something resembling his game face back in place, which only took a second, he turned back toward the monitor. "How we doin', Zoe?"

Without a room full of people staring at her, her frozen look for not-quite-checked terror, collapsed into a more mobile expression. Tears were close, and she couldn't hold onto the sound of them anymore. When he summed up how she was feeling so perfectly, so sympathetically, she smiled just a little. He was speaking from experience. He didn't have to say so. The admission was in his eyes. And he wanted her to see it.

So it felt just a little easier to admit that she felt like she was coming apart at the seams and didn't know what to do to glue herself back together. MacGyver gave her a long look. Then he seemed to make a decision. "Alright. Then, let's take a break."

He turned and found the stool Riley had brought in and planted himself on it, forcing himself to relax his shoulders, smoothing his face to appear purely conversational. It took an intense effort that was almost physically painful, but he could tell from her response that he was pulling it off.

When she said she was a glaciologist, she looked almost embarrassed. Mac's smile eased into one that was more genuine than just carefully reassuring. "You're talking to a guy who once broke into a lab at MIT to sneak a peek at a frozen ice core from Greenland."

"Really?" her feigned disbelief was so amused, so genuine and her interest in what he'd risked getting kicked out of school to look at was so real, that she relaxed almost completely, forgetting for a moment that she was on a sinking ship in the Arctic, and her students were depending on her to get them home.

Son of a bitch. He liked her. She was someone he would want to count as a friend. That was going to make this harder, he thought. He started spinning on the stool, his need to be moving, to be working the problem overriding his efforts to just reassure Zoe.

She seemed to think it was just a conversational sort of fidgeting and grinned at him. "It's not often I meet someone who can out-geek me."

He grinned at her, starting to rise. "Well, Zoe, I out-geek pretty much everyone."

She laughed and he dropped back down on the stool, sensing that she needed just a little more time. "Can I tell you something stupid?"

He assured her that among geeks, not much was going to sound stupid.

"I'm seriously craving ice cream right now."

"Ice cream's good. Why is that weird?" Connecting to something normal was almost essential when you needed to ground yourself in the middle of a crisis. Bozer's waffles were something he'd thought about almost incessantly when he was in the war.

That one thing seemed to be the thing Zoe needed most. To feel normal. Even for a second. She rubbed her hands together and got up, ready to work.

Mac hesitated for just a second, making sure it was really okay for her.

When she assured him she could keep up now, could focus, he directed her to go get the tool kit. She grinned and got a pretty burly multitool like the one he'd gotten Jack for his last birthday out of her pocket. They shared a momentary real smile, a spark of connection.

And he knew the look in her eye. If he could fix that pump sitting there in that office space with the knife he'd shown up with, she could do it where she was, where it really mattered.

He looked up at the screen and met her eyes to give her the next instruction and when he saw she was still smiling, he was sure of it, too.


	3. Chapter 3

They had only the briefest of seconds to appreciate their victory with the peristaltic pump getting the generator back on. Suddenly instead of freezing, too much heat, and worse, smoke, were the concern. Zoe had clearly gotten her feet under her though because she went fact finding and brought Mac back exactly the information he needed to start working the new problem.

When he asked if she could get to the cargo room, instead of even pausing, she took off running like he'd barked an order. She understood the problem and knew the solution was in the direction he'd pointed her.

Mac licked his lips a little nervously. Watching her slip down that hallway toward danger gave him the strangest feeling. He thought maybe that was how Jack felt when he went off and just did something without seeming to think about it and Jack got all protective and annoying.

When she got there, she didn't hesitate either. She summarized the situation verbally and showed him the image of what was stopping her from getting the supplies he told her she needed. Matty was looking at his face while all this was happening with growing concern. He looked like someone might have backed him into a corner.

And when he just picked up a stool and broke half the damned War Room, she barked his name, thinking maybe he'd lost touch with reality. Jack said he could do that sometimes when he was working a problem. Real world stuff went away, and it was replaced with the white board, or calculator, or freaking super computer the kid kept in his head.

When it became clear that he was just trying to work with what he had and couldn't come up with a solution just conceptually, Matty and the others just started moving stuff out of the way along with him. He saw Riley taking out her phone and frowning at it. She'd done that several times over the last hour or so.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She transferred her frown from her phone to Mac. He sounded almost abrupt with her. "Nothing, Mac. I just can't get a hold of my dad and …"

What Mac really needed was for everybody to go. And he hated to do this to Jack, but one less person in the War Room, even if it was only for a short time while he figured out the carbon filter problem with Zoe, was going to help. "So why don't you just …" he paused and gave her their shared 'when Jack's a big doofus' grin, "You know, boopity boop it … And track him."

She grinned back, thinking his looked a little forced, but this was a lot of pressure, and he was trying. She also knew him well enough to know that he wanted less people in the War Room, but didn't want to say so because that was just the sort of thing that often made Matty get snarky. "You sure, Mac?"

"This isn't a tech problem," he replied, already turning to get back to work.

"It's a duct tape and paperclips problem," she teased, just to remind him that she believed in his skills to solve this, to keep those people safe until the Coast Guard got there. She mouthed, "Is this okay?" at Matty who just nodded and mouthed back, "Go," but tapped her watch to let Riley know that while Mac was okay with her disappearing, Matty considered her on the company clock.

Riley slipped out as she heard Mac say, "Hey, Zoe, that wasn't a half bad idea, actually. Remind me … _Do_ you have any duct tape handy?"

0-0-0

When Jack strode into the room, which he currently had sort of trashed, Mac wasn't sure if he was happy to see his partner, or irritated that there was something to divert his attention away from the problem at hand.

He answered Jack's casual question in a tone Jack recognized as defensive, walls-up, with a nice layer of glib to cover some really worry and vulnerability. "Thirty-two people on a boat in the arctic are gonna die."

Okay, that meant back the hell off, Jack, you can't help me. Jack made his tone purposely light. It was the one that said, 'You got this, kid'. "Well, I would love to help, but Riley and I have to fake a signature on a baseball or her dad's gonna die."

Mac's head snapped around. "What?"

"Yeah," Jack replied, letting him know Jack wasn't much happier about the situation in which he currently found himself than Mac was about his.

Mac shook his head, almost like he needed to clear it, and did his best to kick Jack out to go work his own problem. Then Jack did what he so often managed to with one of his dumb jokes or lame attempts at humor applied to a humorless situation.

He got Mac's brain to stop over thinking the problem and trying to come up with complicated engineering solutions with everything but the kitchen sink. It made him go back to what he knew. And damned if he didn't know physics.

0-0-0

Fortunately, the Jack inspired Force-related solution worked perfectly and only a few hours later the air filters Zoe built with her students under Mac's direction were still scrubbing the air as he'd hoped. Zoe finally looked truly relaxed and her students visible on the video feed were just settling in to wait.

Once the situation was stable on ship, Matty had told Mac he could go. He was still technically on leave, and the consult was basically over. Instead, he sat down in the War Room, facing the screen, planning to wait out the final three hours with Zoe.

She looked like she could use the company, and he knew himself well enough to know he'd just pace and text Matty about the rescue mission's status until it pissed her off. And if she got pissed off at him now that this was over, he wanted it to be because he'd forced her to defend herself about what he saw on that film.

He did feel free to grab himself some paperclips off the table and fidget with them. When he explained the habit to Zoe and said his boss banned it, she made the same face he had probably made when Matty had made that little declaration. The expression said, "That's bullshit!" He grinned and shrugged. "Just something to keep my hands busy."

He tried to sound like it didn't matter, but it still got under his skin a little. What difference did it make if he liked to fidget with paperclips anyway? She didn't seem any happier about his tendency to pace, or tap his feet under the table, or wind his watch, which, he had pointed out a couple of times, were replacement habits that could be avoided if he could just have a couple of paperclips during briefings.

He forgot about that train of thought for a moment when Zoe called him cute. He could honestly feel his neck getting a little warm. That hadn't happened in a while. He pretended he didn't hear the low-key flirting for a second and just affirmed his admiration. "You saved your own life."

The way she smiled told him with was the right thing to say. Then, she started asking him about his own life, his work. He'd used up all the paperclips, so he'd reverted to swiveling the stool back and forth while they talked. He couldn't help but think that Zoe would be just the sort of person who would fit in at Phoenix, and he said so.

He didn't add that he wouldn't mind seeing her at the coffee pot here in the room next door every morning. But part of him wanted to. And her reaction to the idea made him spontaneously offer a visit. Then, feeling a little like he was on the edge of a cliff, he suggested a date he thought his grandfather would have approved of. "We could grab that ice cream."

Her smile was both surprised and extremely pleased. She was more than happy to accept and was already planning a trip to LA in her head when the sound of grinding metal told them both that three hours might be a much longer time than they'd thought.

Mac tried to stay on top of things, tried to both convince Zoe that things were still going to be already and himself. Something inside his head just really desperately wanted for something to be alright, for something good to happen to him.

And he knew it was selfish, but as things slowly fell apart, he cared less and less about why he wanted to save her and her friends, he just knew he would have done anything, anything at all, including what Zoe ultimately chose to do, to know she'd find her way here, and maybe, just maybe get the life she'd planned for herself before it got highjacked by the need to put other people first.

He couldn't do much.

But he stayed with her, talked with her.

Until the end.

Then he turned on his heel and walked out of Phoenix, ignoring Cage, ignoring Matty. He just wanted to be alone.


	4. Chapter 4

Mac didn't remember the drive home, only that he'd gotten there. He'd stumbled through the house, not bothering to turn on any lights, just getting out on to his deck where he could breathe. Then he had a hard time doing just that, thinking about how Zoe never would again. He leaned against the railing, panting for a while. Too hot, then too cold. Furious, sad, and finally empty.

She'd said she thought she was doing the thing he would have done if he'd been there. He shook his head at no one. Well, not no one, at the ghost of her voice still in his head. The worst part was, she was right. He would have. Hell, he'd have gone in there and done it to stop her from having to if he could have somehow managed it.

As the sun sunk into the sea, Mac stared out at the fading light, at the city coming alive. Was that what it was like for his friends, for Jack, to watch him do what he did? Was that what it had been like to watch him close that door in New York with a container of VX leaking its poison into the room with him? Jesus. No wonder they all had a protective streak.

He stood there by the railing just watching traffic, or at least that's what it would have looked like to anyone who saw him. He really wasn't looking at anything. He was just standing there trying to process just how bereft he felt. He didn't even understand it.

He'd lost civilians on missions before. And it was never easy, never really okay. But normally, he'd just retreat into himself a little, maybe have a beer, and sleep off the feeling. But Zoe had … She'd been different. She'd been, well, like him. And he found that he didn't just feel badly about what happened, but about what could have happened, about not getting to know her more, not having a chance at … whatever. He felt like she'd left a hole in his life today, including the parts that hadn't happened yet.

And he felt like he'd failed her.

He mostly stood wallowing in that. In his failure.

He knew someone had showed up just as it was getting really dark because he saw lights coming on inside. He couldn't be bothered to care. He would have thought that an unknown person entering his house should have set him sweating and his heart racing after what had happened with Murdoc, and he had been feeling like that every time someone rang the doorbell for weeks.

But not tonight. Tonight, it didn't matter.

When Matty joined him on the deck, he barely looked in her direction. She couldn't know it, but she was the last person he wanted to see right now. Part of him wanted to say something about that film, because being angry, shouting at Matty, directing these feelings at someone, something, would have felt … not good, but better than this empty ache that was filling him up.

And he knew he shouldn't feel this way, but knowing that everyone else made it home, made the fact that Zoe didn't cut deeper.

He told Matty he didn't want to talk. And she respected it, didn't push or say anything further. She just stood next to him for a few minutes, resting her hand near his on the railing, but not touching him. When it became clear that he really wasn't going to say anything, that her presence was just increasing his tension, she turned to go.

She said quietly, over her shoulder, "There was nothing else you could have done, Mac."

He held up an hand in a sharp dismissive gesture, but still said nothing.

"I'm so sorry, MacGyver." She walked back into the house, taking out her cell phone and dialing. "Jack. I need to see you. Immediately."

0-0-0

Less than an hour later, Jack walked out onto the deck. He'd called out several times after letting himself in. He knew how edgy Mac had been about people coming in his front door since Murdoc's latest visit to LA. But Mac didn't answer.

In fact, he stood like a statue, just facing the skyline, just like Matty said she had left him. Jack didn't even get into his partners space. He just sat down in one of the deck chairs and watched Mac not move for a few minutes.

Finally, he said very quietly, "Mac, buddy, how long have you been standing there?"

He saw what might have been a slight shrug, or maybe was a flinch because not being alone surprised him. And if it was the second one, that worried Jack a lot. Situational awareness kept them alive. And the last time Mac had let his feelings cloud his judgement, he'd gotten pinched by the bad guys. Then Mac answered and Jack was pretty sure it had been a shrug.

"I don't know."

His voice was almost cold.

"Alright," Jack replied levelly. "How long are you going to stand there?"

This time the shrug was more distinct. "I don't know."

Jack nodded to himself. This was bordering on the closed off tone Mac had used with him after Nikki had supposedly died, was what he'd seen when Mac first came home from Afghanistan. But it was worse. Colder, deeper. Instead of boxing up his feelings and throwing them down the deep well he kept at the back of his mind, Mac had pitched himself right in and had no idea how to swim back out.

"Mind if I stand there with ya then?"

Mac stiffened. "I …"

"We don't have to talk, kid. I just don't think you should be alone right now."

Mac nodded, a movement so slight Jack almost didn't catch it. "Okay," he replied after a minute.

Jack got up and stood near his friend, but not too close. Crowding him would be a mistake. After a while, Mac seemed to edge a step closer. Finally, Jack risked opening his mouth again. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No … But I should have done more," he answered.

Jack could hear the tension of tears unshed in his partner's voice. That was good, actually. It meant he was still near enough the surface, not so deep in that it would be all that hard to get him to come back out. "Don't be too mad, bud, but Matty called and told me what happened."

"I figured," he shrugged.

Jack ventured a glance at Mac's profile and a tear was slowly sliding down his cheek. "You did everything you could, bud. And staying with her like that, you knew how hard that would be, but you did it anyway. You're about the bravest guy I've ever met."

"It wasn't brave, Jack. She didn't deserve to die alone. And it was my …" He stopped himself.

"Not your fault, and you know it," Jack said, with just a little heat. Then he couldn't quite stop himself anymore and he put a hand on Mac's shoulder. "But I know it feels like it right now."

Mac was shaking, trying to stop himself from shaking, and it was just making it worse. He leaned heavily on the railing. "I'm just … tired," he finished lamely.

"I'm sorry for your loss, kid." He squeezed the shoulder where his hand was resting gently.

"I … I didn't even know her Jack," he said defensively, sounding all kinds of pissed off all of a sudden.

Jack shook his head, smiling sadly. "But you wanted to. I talked to Cage and she said you two had really hit it off, that she was worried you were taking what happened personally because of that."

"What the hell does she care?" Mac snapped. Jesus, he was tired of that woman trying to crawl inside his head.

"Mac, I called her, okay? I wanted to know what happened. And she's pretty good at getting to the heart of things. It's like a goddamned super power."

"Don't do that, Jack. Don't talk to other people about me," his voice was hard. "If I need help, I'll ask for it."

"Since when?" Jack chided gently.

Mac spun a half turn away from him, the pace of his breathing picking up. He was right, and Mac knew it. Zoe had pointed out to him all too clearly what it was like to watch someone disregard their own life by putting others above it. "Go home, Jack. I'll be okay. Sometimes missions that go bad are hard to take is all," he offered, his voice tight. He was close to falling apart now, and he didn't need anyone around for that, damnit.

"I'm sorry, Mac. Maybe I shouldn't have called her," Jack conceded. "But it seems like maybe this wasn't just a mission either; you really did make a connection like you haven't in a long time. Like maybe you really liked that scientist gal."

"Her name was Zoe, Jack."

Mac took a shuddering breath.

Then another.

"It's Greek for life," he said, as though it was a cruel joke. "And I think hers would have been great. I think it would have been great to know her. And now she's lost."

The tears started in earnest then and he slammed his fists into the railing hard enough to make himself gasp.

"Oh, hey kid. Don't," Jack said, pulling Mac into his arms.

Mac knew he cried, and that it went on for a while. He knew he sobbed into Jack's shoulder for what felt like forever. Eventually he found himself sitting on his couch, blowing his nose repeatedly, and trying not to be angry at himself for letting himself come apart at the seams like that.

Jack sat down next to him again, putting a cup of hot tea on a coaster on the coffee table in front of Mac. Mac shook his head. "I don't need anything, Jack, but thanks anyway."

"Tea'll unstuff your nose. Tell me you wouldn't like that at least a little bit now," Jack gave him a soft smile. Mac's tendency to forget to eat or drink properly when he was upset was something he'd been working to remedy almost since he met the kid. He thought it was an instinct he'd picked up from his Nana.

Mac shrugged. "A little," he admitted, picking it up and taking a sip. "Ugh, you put sugar in it. It's all yours." Mac forced a smile, handing the cup to his partner.

Jack knew a fake smile when he saw one, but he took it and started drinking it anyway, although he thought that no one in their right mind ever had tea that wasn't over ice, and this wasn't sweet enough to be proper tea anyway. "You gonna be okay now, you think?" he asked.

"Yeah, Jack," he said honestly. "I will. Just … It feels really unfair, in a long line of unfair things. Hurts. A lot." He shrugged.

Jack nodded. Mac hadn't exactly been blessed with great luck, as far as he could tell. "But I think maybe meeting her was a good thing, Mac."

Mac glanced at him, then away. "She was great."

"Everything happens …"

"Don't say for a reason!" Mac snapped. "My grandfather always used to say that … And … It just doesn't. Or if it does, if you guys are right and there's some big cosmic plan, it's a shitty plan." He stopped, realizing he was breathing heavily again, and really not wanting to start crying again.

"But I really think it does, Mac." Jack slid next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. "I think this feels so bad for a couple reasons." He paused, but Mac didn't say anything. He was listening though. "First, you always take it hard when things go south. You know you do."

"Yeah," he conceded almost dismissively. This went so much deeper than that.

"And," Jack went on, sensing his thoughts. "This Zoe made you remember what it was like to want somebody around. To care about them not just because they're another human being, but because you like how having them around feels for you, too."

Mac was tensing again, but he stayed quiet. This seemed like one of those times, Jack was really offering something from his experiences that would mean something.

"Maybe the reason you met her, maybe it was so you could be reminded what you've been forcing yourself to miss out on since everything went to hell with Nikki."

"I haven't been …"

"Yeah, you have," Jack persisted. He felt Mac shrug against the arm he had around him. That was as close to admitting Jack was right Mac was likely to get. "Maybe you met her so you could remember what you've been missing. That connection, knowing that another person really understands you, wants you at your best and your worst."

Mac took a breath and thought about it. He guessed what Jack was saying made a certain amount of sense. But he'd never really had that with Nikki. He'd wanted it, offered it to her even. But nothing he could remember about their relationship said that was a two-way street. Even if she hadn't been using him for her cover with CIA, she'd used him in other ways, he thought.

He nodded though. "I don't know, Jack," he said shakily.

"You said her name meant Life, right?"

Mac swallowed hard. Jack squeezed him around the shoulders. "Then maybe you didn't lose her at all, Mac. Maybe she showed you that you deserve one of those. And that there's somebody out there somewhere who would be perfect to share it with you."

Mac felt a few more tears spill out of the corner of his eyes, but he looked at Jack and smiled a little. This one wasn't forced at all.

"Maybe."


End file.
